#50 Erase Anger in 30 minutes or Less, Try This!

This is a real story of how an exercise can help anger disappear by seeing both sides of a problem, equally.

Monica and Stefan

Aug 05, 2026

Stefan at the keyboard.

Two years ago Monica and I attended a birthday dinner for our friend Jane. It was her 40th.

The room was small. The seating was carefully arranged by someone else who organized the evening.

But something went wrong.

At the most important moment of the celebration, Jane’s husband Martin was not seated beside her.

By mistake, he was seated in the opposite corner of the room.

The next day I ran into Martin by accident.

He was furious.

To him, the memory of his wife’s 40th birthday, a moment he had been looking forward to, had turned into one of the worst experiences they had as a couple.

He knew a little about our work, so I thought it would be a perfect chance for him to see it in action. So I asked him:

“Would you be willing to try a short exercise with me to transform the experience?”

He looked skeptical. But curiosity won. He agreed.

“Martin, I’m going to ask you something you won’t like… What were the benefits of being seated on the opposite side of the room?”

He stared at me.

“Benefits? There were none. I should have been next to my wife.”

“I know the story already,” I said. “But for the sake of the exercise, let’s find at least 25 benefits.”

He laughed. Then reluctantly, he started.

“Well… I was the closest to the table with goodies,” he said with a chuckle and gave me a few more minor benefits.

But soon he got stuck.

To get things moving again, I asked him a different question:

“What were the drawbacks of your ideal scenario, the one you wished had happened?”

This is important because when we are angry, we often carry a perfect picture in our mind of how things should have happened. In that picture we see only one side.

Only benefits. No drawbacks.

So I asked him to describe his ideal scene.

“I should have been next to my wife,” he said. “I’m her husband. It was an important moment.”

“Great,” I said. “Now imagine it happened exactly that way. What are your drawbacks?”

This is when something interesting happened.

Martin paused.

And suddenly he saw it.

“If I had been next to my wife,” he said slowly, “I would have seen only her shoulder and the door. But from where I was sitting, I could see her whole face.”

He smiled.

“She looked radiant. I could see her happiness clearly. And she could see me too.”

He continued.

“I could also see everyone else in the room sharing the moment with us.”

Then he laughed.

“Now that I think about it… I may have had the best seat in the room.”

There was almost a tear in his eye.

Because in that moment he realized something powerful:

The whole experience had happened for him.

Not to him.

I asked him one more question.

“Are you grateful to the organizer for placing you there?”

“Yes,” he said without a second thought.

Then the final question.

“If you had a magic wand and could change what happened that night, what would you change?”

He didn’t hesitate.

“Nothing. It was perfect the way it was.”

The entire conversation took less than 30 minutes.

But imagine if Martin had carried that resentment for years. Imagine remembering your partner’s 40th birthday as a stupid mistake.

All because of a seat in a room.

Next time you feel angry for something that didn’t go the way you wanted, try these three questions:

• What were the benefits for you of what happened?

• What was the ideal scenario you wanted to happen?

• What drawbacks would you have had in that ideal scenario?

Find at least 25 benefits and 25 drawbacks.

Your mind needs enough evidence to see the full picture.

And here is the key idea to remember:

The goal is not to turn something negative into something positive. The goal is to see the whole picture: positives and negatives equally.

When you do, something remarkable happens.

The anger dissolves. And clarity takes its place.

Sometimes in less than 30 minutes.

Love and Wisdom,

Monica and Stefan

P.S. During August, we’ll be sending only 2 messages per week instead of 4 for the “The Space Between the Strings” series—on Monday and Wednesday at 7 a.m. EST.

If you see this message, please reply and let us know what you think about this frequency. Is receiving 2 messages per week a better fit for you, or would you prefer 4 for “The Space Between the Strings”?

Thank you 🙏