John Gottman is a psychologist best known for his scientific research on marriage, relationships, and divorce prediction. He began studying couples systematically in the 1970s and he published a famous study in 1992 with another profesor, Robert Levenson. You can read the original paper here: Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992)
Their research was unusual because they didn’t simply ask couples whether they were happy. They observed couples interacting, measured their behavior and physiology, and then followed them over years to see which relationships remained stable and which ended in divorce.
(John Gottman with his wife, Julie)
The striking finding was that stable, well-functioning couples showed approx. five positive behaviors for every negative behavior during conflict.
That means, for instance, that for every criticism there was a compliment, a smile, or a warm touch.
Many of us have good intentions, but we are much more focused on the negatives. What’s not working, what needs to be fixed, what’s broken, what’s misplaced, etc. etc.
So, what can you do with this information?
Increase your ratio.
For instance, increase the number of compliments in your relationship. It doesn’t cost you anything.
Say simple things like, “You’re so beautiful,” “That shirt looks good on you,” “I liked how you answered Jodie. That was spot on,” “That was such a good story,” or “I appreciate your calmness under stress.”
And sometimes, a flower or a hug can do more than words.
Love and Wisdom,
Monica and Stefan
