So many of us see negative things louder and stronger than positive things. For instance, according to neuroscience research, your brain may register your teenager’s frown or your spouse’s dismissive smirk with much more intensity than just a benevolent smile. About twice as much intensity (Kahneman and Tversky, 1979).
One possible explanation comes from evolutionary psychology. Thousands of years ago, humans had to be very careful about any kind of threat. A rustling in the bushes could have been a tiger ready to attack, and that could have been fatal. So we learned to pay much more attention to negative events than to positive ones because they were crucial for our survival.
But now, there is no tiger in our home, and “negative” daily behaviors from family members or coworkers are less likely to put our lives in danger.
Last week, we wrote an article about the Magic Relationship Ratio. Two researchers discovered WHAT sets inspiring relationships apart from less successful ones. If you missed it, we invite you to give it two minutes. They are worth it.
Today, we would like to build on this idea and talk about a simple HOW. A method that contributes to inspiring relationships, whether with your children, your spouse, your coworkers, or even your boss.
It is a simple principle called “catch them doing something positive.”
Whenever you see behavior that you like, take a minute to point it out as soon as you can. This will encourage them to repeat that behavior. It’s really that simple. What you focus on expands.
Here are a few examples:
To a teenager:
“I noticed you put your phone away while we were having dinner. I appreciate that.”
“Thank you for telling me where you were going without me having to ask.”
“I saw you helping your sister with her homework. That was thoughtful.”
“You handled that disagreement with your friend really maturely.”
To your spouse:
“I loved that you made coffee for me this morning.”
“Thank you for listening to me without trying to fix the problem.”
“I noticed you cleaned the kitchen even though you were tired. Thank you.”
To a coworker:
“You explained that really clearly in the meeting.”
“I noticed you stayed a little longer to finish that. I appreciate it.”
“You handled that difficult client really well.”
To a boss (yes, they appreciate this too :)
“I appreciated how clearly you explained the priorities for this project.”
“I noticed how you gave everyone a chance to speak in the meeting. I really appreciated that.”
You can make the remark right away, or you can do it later through a text message.
The most effective way is in front of others.
And one more important thing: it costs you only a few seconds of your time. So, why not do it?
Love and Wisdom,
Monica and Stefan