Have you ever wondered what love really is?
The ancients had many words for love. Today, we use only one or two.
1. Eros (ἔρως) – passionate love, romantic attraction, and sexual desire.
2. Philia (φιλία) – friendship and affection based on shared values and interests.
3. Storge (στοργή) – familial love, the natural affection between parents and children.
4. Agape (ἀγάπη) – selfless, unconditional love.
5. Philautia (φιλαυτία) – self-love, which can be healthy or become excessive selfishness.
6. Ludus (Latin) – playful love, flirting, teasing, and romantic attraction expressed through playfulness.
7. Mania (μανία) – obsessive passion that is intense, irrational, or possessive.
Since ancient times, people have tried to analyze, describe, and explain love, from the philosophers of Ancient Greece to modern-day researchers.
And yet, even today, there is no universally accepted definition.
For some, love is a deep and lasting feeling, a bond that remains even when momentary emotions change (Sternberg, 1986).
For others, love is associated with intense emotions, butterflies in the stomach, attraction, and the desire to be close to the person you love (Hatfield et al., 2012).
In this article, we’ll share how we’ve come to understand love and the definition we’ve found to be closer to the truth.
Think of someone you love.
They have positive traits that you appreciate. Perhaps they’re ambitious, generous, or independent.
And, like everyone else, they also have negative traits that bother you. Perhaps they’re stubborn, critical, or don’t give you the attention you want at certain times.
Every trait brings both benefits and drawbacks.
Their ambition may inspire you to grow, but it also means spending less time together.
Their stubbornness may frustrate you, but it teaches you to stand up for your point of view.
When you only want the positive side of someone, can you really say you love them? No. And you can’t have a harmonious relationship that way either.
Only when you see someone with both their positive and negative sides, and no longer want to change them, do you truly love them.
That’s why love is the union of complementary opposites.
Heraclitus and Empedocles were the first to say this approximately 2,500 years ago.
To experience love, you need to see both the benefits and drawbacks of every trait, action, or inaction of the person you love (the law of duality).
When you manage to see them equally, love and gratitude arise spontaneously.
Next time someone you love does something that bothers you, apply the law of duality and ask yourself:
What benefits does this action or inaction bring me?
If this person behaved exactly as I wanted them to (the ideal version in my mind), what drawbacks would I experience?
Alternate between these two questions until you reach a state of love and gratitude.
Love and Wisdom,
Monica and Stefan